Pellau Magazine

by Essence
Do you really know the truth about men? This might sound like a rhetorical question, but it is one that needs to be seriously considered before answering, “Of course I do.” The refrain of “I just can’t find a man,” is all too familiar across all socio-economic strata. Whether a woman is a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company or a high school dropout, they are bound by what they perceive as the difficulty in finding Mr. Right. But another common thread that binds many women is that despite their best efforts, they still don’t understand what their man is saying or not saying or why he’s behaving in a certain manner.
Men are not the greatest communicators. And while we like to be perceived as tough and in control, the truth of the matter is that we are often too uncomfortable, embarrassed or insecure to broach subjects that are important in our relationships. Men will get together in a locker room or at a bar and have intense conversations about women, relationships and marriages, but when it comes to bringing up some of these issues with their significant others, we clam up and go silent. In my new book, <i>The Truth About Men</i>, I tackle many of these issues that are thought, but not spoken. Here are seven things your man wants you to know, but won't tell you.

Using the word marriage too early is a red flag.

Men are programmed -- right or wrong -- to stay as far away as possible from marriage conversations, because once you go there it's like opening up a floodgate with the exit blocked off. Even if you think that we are marriage material -- even if you are really excited about getting married -- it's often best to bring it up in a subtle, non-confrontational way. Talk about someone else's marriage and see if he opens up.

He wants you to be a little naughty and edgy but don't go too far.

Men overwhelmingly want their partner to do more walking on the wild side. A survey polled both men and women about whether they thought their partner was as sexually adventurous as they would like. 67% of the men said no. Women were asked the same thing. Only 30% of women said the same thing. This gap can be resolved with better communication.

He is even more attracted to you when you're not always available to him.

An axiom when it comes to men is that what we can't have we tend to want even more. Too available can also mean too easy. If you don't present somewhat of a challenge to us, then we lose what is often one of the most exciting aspects of a budding relationship -- the thrill of the hunt.

He is a horrible mind reader.

It would be a lot better for everyone if you said it directly. Men have absolutely no shame in admitting that we are extremely nearsighted in many respects, and if you consider that a weakness, then that's understandable. If you expect us to read between the lines, please understand that you're taking a gamble. The direct approach is often much better, especially if it's something that's important to you.

He wants you to tell him how to better satisfy you sexually.

Yes, we would be extremely gratified if right from the beginning we could figure out on our own what turns you on and makes you get the most out of an intimate encounter. But sometimes we just aren't making the right connection and what we think is working for you really isn't. Go ahead and give us a little coaching if we don't ask for it. We want the coaching, but our egos make it difficult to ask for help.

Space is important to the success of a relationship.

Men want you to be the center of your universe, but they don't want your universe to collapse if they don't talk to you for an entire day or see you for 48 hours. Men want you to have things to do with your friends and not be home waiting for them. Your independence is an attractive quality.

He doesn't want a wallflower.

He wants to be with someone willing to display a reasonable amount of aggression. It is a widely held belief that men prefer submissive women who don't challenge us but rather sit back and do as we say and accept what we give them. This is very far from the truth and from another century. Men want to be partners in a relationship and sometimes they want and expect you to make the first move and take some of the control of the wheel. To many of us this is very refreshing.



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