Pellau Magazine

Tomorrow, there won’t be a text. There won’t be handholding or a sultry massage. There won’t be an embrace. I’ll forget about you in a few days. But, for some reason, you’ll pop into my head randomly — when I’m buying bread or watching TV or even when I’m out with my girlfriend.



None of you are ever fully forgotten because, without each of you, I wouldn’t be the boyfriend I now am. I used to chide men who objectified women as “blonde seven,” “French Tourist” or “the girl with the toaster tattoo.”

But eventually, I gave into that biological, animalistic desire and engaged in a string of one-night stands — ultimately, it changed me into a man who is relationship material.

1. I learned to become legitimately interested in women.
The biggest hurdle for many men and women involves working up the courage to speak with a stranger. For many, talking to a beautiful stranger induces a similar panic to an encounter with a terrifyingly large bulldog. We back into a corner and mumble indecipherable sentences to the creature, while simultaneously covering the groin region.

I began approaching women while my friend went to the bathroom or I refilled my drink. Often, the small talk led to a new friendship, a great conversation and, occasionally, a hookup. I spoke deliberately, to listen, learn and ask questions. Every person has some story to tell. If you allow yourself to become interested in others, they may reciprocate.

2. I learned about my relationship personality.
Without ever exploring your natural tendencies, how can you know if you’re a suave seducer or a dependent? You can’t. Like a little kid at the dinner table, you must try the broccoli, no matter how much you detest it.

I came to realize that I’m too much of a neurotic, OCD-ridden mess to sleep with random women continuously. It’s a lot to handle. Sometimes, I just need to lie in bed next to someone with whom I’m comfortable, eat Lucky Charms and watch cartoons all morning — not a likely situation with your one-night stand.

3. I became more comfortable sexually.
The more you do something, the better you become at it — at least, that’s how it should work. No one magically becomes better at sex by analyzing Google Scholar texts, engaging in copious amounts of masturbation or by studying pornography. The best way to become more comfortable with not only the opposite sex’s body (and also your own body) is to experiment with it.

When my current relationship began, there was no stress during those initial sexual encounters. No nerves. No second-guessing. No bout of flaccidity. We’re often too worried about the endpoint pleasure to enjoy the actual experience.

Sexual comfort doesn’t require mind-blowing orgasms that occur in multiples of three. Sexual comfort requires enjoyment. Enjoy the task at hand and oftentimes, your partner will sense that enthusiasm, enhancing his or her experience as well.

4. I became more confident emotionally.
Three years ago, I lacked confidence. Back then, women could smell my pervasive negativity through the self-deprecating jokes about whatever personal quality was bothering me on a given night. It wasn’t until I realized that I could be desired — even if only for a night or a few drinks — that my confidence soared. Even if I was partially faking the confidence, my nonchalance helped me engage with women on a pseudo-emotional level.

Once I reached a suitable level of comfort in talking to women — and then that same comfort sexually — my feelings of inadequacy slowly dissipated. Over-analysis stopped. Fear of rejection stopped.

Dating became easier. Dates revolved around conversation instead of panic and unnecessary sexual tension. I became confident enough to share myself — all of my quirks and neuroses — with another person. No jealousy. No anxiety. Just self-confidence.:
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