Pellau Magazine

On Twitter you see a lot of people (mostly women) who are choosing not to show you their whole face. Instead, you'll get one big, beautiful eyeball with some artistically-applied mascara. Or perhaps a close-up of red, pouty lips. Whatever one characteristic they feel most confident about.

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Nice, right? Get to know me and I promise to cut an eye-hole in the burlap sack I normally wear on my head.

Personally, I find that incredibly depressing. I mean, these are women who've chosen a social media site that only lets them reveal 140 characters of their soul, and they can't even show you everything on the outside? It's just a bad idea for attracting men. It's kind of like guys trying to impress women with cock pics that are just close-ups of their pee-hole.

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"Hmm, that is one promising urethra. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, I guess."

It's harder for guys to get away with this, with the possible exception of close-ups of beards, and even that has limited appeal -- specifically to ladies who get a special feeling from stabby follicles, but in a good way. Also, nine out of 10 of guys posting close-up beard pics are covering fatness or compensating for baldness.

Take-away Message: This is as good as I get. Everything else I can show you will be a bitter disappointment.

Know what's more depressing than reducing yourself to an eyeball? Doing the exact same thing with shoes. Seriously, there are people going around with sexy shoes as their profile pics.

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"Am I hot? Well, check out these stilettos and you tell me."

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"Fuckable? Look at these boots!"

Although surprising, there is actually no correlation between how sexy a person is and the kind of footwear they are capable of purchasing and photographing. But for those women who are posting nothing but their studded spiked heels, here's a little pro-tip: There is something else of yours you can post that will make certain men forget any and all of your flaws, solely for the privilege of slipping inside it. And it's not shoes. In fact, if you meet a guy who wants to spend more time with you because of your choices in ladies footwear, he's probably the last guy who's going to sleep with you.

Take-Away Message: True, these shoes are the sexiest thing about me, but I'll probably do certain things other women won't.

Of all the miserable, insufferable dbags on social media, the three-quarter turn guy has to be the most annoying. What's he doing? He's showing you his good side, of course. What else? Well, he's probably also taking away part of his massive noggin with angles, because seeing him straight-on would just be too much damn face going on.

The worst person ever?

Take-Away Message: This is a person who not only has a good side and a bad side, but who has spent so much time looking in the mirror he knows which is which. In fact, it's probably not even a photo but a still from his video series that he obtained by clicking through each frame of a video until he found the precise moment when he was at his least unsightly. Avoid at all costs.

Sometimes you get followed on Twitter or friended on Facebook by people you don't know. (And if you whore your links out online, it happens a lot more.) Who is this new person in your life? Well, if their profile pic is two people, you just don't know. 50-50 chance of guessing, right?

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"Pssst. For the purposes of this photo we'll pretend one of us is much hotter, because it's apparently impossible to find a picture of two women in the Getty photo library who are not equally attractive. Pretend there are many open sores on my face behind my whispering hand."

Actually, no. This is simple. Which person owns the profile? The ugly one. Of course, it's the ugly one. It's always the ugly one. They're either hoping that some of the hotness travels to them by osmosis or even that you mistake them for the hot one. It's like a half-hearted, muted "Catfish" move. How do we know the hot one didn't post? Because she just wouldn't want to risk being mistaken for fatty.

Take-Away Message: I have a hot friend.

Ah, the most perplexing of online personalities. Who is this person? What do they look like? What are they about? You just don't know. Your only clues are the picture they choose to show you which will often be from a sci-fi or fantasy world, such as Doctor Who.

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The mere ability to post a Doctor Who pic, however, does not mean they have the abilities of a Time Lord, only that they like a great show.

It's hard to get a read on the person with a no-show profile pic, but here's a helpful, if somewhat limited, guide:

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Ugly satanist

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Ugly serial killer

Ugly person with a scat fetish

Take-Away Message: Well, the instant assumption is that this is either an unsightly person or at the very least a person who believes they are unsightly, which is a bit more depressing. It is important to note that the person could be some high-ranking military official or celebrity preserving their anonymity, but I don't have anything funny to say about that.

Unless, you suffer the same mental illness that I do, right now you're thinking "what is an Amram?" Well, according to my deficient mind, an "Amram" is a deliberately ugly profile pic. Y'know, making a funny, unattractive face. That's probably because I follow the delightful Megan Amram on Twitter whose pic looks like this:

Now, a normal person would have said, "Oh, look, this person named Megan Amram is making a silly face." But I just assumed Amram was hip Internet lingo. (She's in L.A. and has many more followers than I, so I just assumed I was out of the loop.) It didn't help that a friend of mine also used the term "Amram" in conversation -- because apparently mental illness is contagious.

Anyway, what can we say about people who make deliberately ugly faces in profile pics? Shockingly nothing. Beautiful people make ugly faces because they can get away with it. Ugly people make ugly faces because then they look ugly just like an attractive person making an ugly face. Also, people who are neither ugly nor beautiful also make ugly faces sometimes to be funny and sometimes because they feel they're not beautiful enough and haven't mastered the three-fourths turn addressed earlier.

Take-Away Message: I don't really have one. But I think it would be great if we all started calling deliberately ugly photos "Amrams," because then I wouldn't be alone in my stupidity. And if the Internet is good for one thing, it is sharing and spreading ignorance.