Pellau Magazine

I kind of hate Instagram, but that doesn’t stop me from using it daily. It’s a dearth of bad selfies, pets, babies, and mediocre meals. These are familiar complaints that have been made (to hilarious effect) in videos like this:

I found this list online, thought I needed to share with you instagram addicts! Why would you want to post everything that comes your way? WOW I can't wait until Google Glass is mainstream!

Well anyway here goes the list!

I get it: bubble baths are lovely. And social media is all about sharing the things you enjoy. I’m not going to be the classy police and shout, “Harlot!” at you for this one (more of that later…), even though it seems like you want to tease people with your scandalous implied nudity. My beef with the bathtub legs shot is its ubiquity. I’ve seen so many, and they all look the same. I think it’s swell that you bathe, lady, but I’m not wondering what’s hiding beneath those suds or outside the frame. I’m wondering why the hell you have an iPhone in the bath with you.

A close relative to the bathtub shot, this IG favorite also involves pointing the camera down your reclining body. This one ups the ante because your bikini makes it kosher to include your stomach, hips, and neoprene-clad vulva in the picture. Pretense: “Guys, look at this beautiful ocean or pool!” Subtext: “My sexy legs!” I know what it feels like to bust one’s ass for some lower body tone. You should be proud of it. But if you feel like flaunting your bikini bod on Instagram, do it the service of taking a better photo at a less awkward distance. Remember, you pubic mound is not your public mound.

Nothing gets followers and “likes” quite like volunteering your own amateur softcore. It can be as straightforward as striking a pose in a lacy little number or as coy as a picture featuring your pet, your cup of tea, and, NBD, yourself lounging in panties. People have every right to post photos of themselves in their skivvies – so long as you don’t violate the app’s rules by flashing a nipple or more – but I worry like a conservative granny for the girls who do. I’ve stumbled across some in the 17- to 21-year-old range and I have serious doubts about their abilities to make a thoughtful choice. Why do you want to sext the world? Once those pictures are posted, you can never get them back. That temporary thrill that made you feel sexy and popular might get you into some trouble later. If you don’t give a damn about what others think of your sex-positive hobby and have no desire for a career or relationships that can’t forgive a little vivacious vanity, then I salute you. No one bashed Miranda Kerr for being a Victoria’s Secret model, right? The difference is that you’re stripping for free, or –even sadder—for “likes.” One word for you, ladies: Monetize.

4. The post-workout one.

I’ve been picking on girls, so allow me to call out guys for their preferred vanity shot (though women certainly aren’t exempt). This is a picture to update everyone about how you’ve just been to the gym. Bonus points if you’re flexing and still have beads of sweat on your skin. Can’t wait ‘til year 2035 when we have the smell-o-gram app. I’ve skimmed through the accounts of some dudes who are holding up their shirts to display six-packs in every other photo. Several thoughts run through my mind, and none of them are, “I’d hit it.”