Pellau Magazine

Sylvester Stallone: Party At Kitty And Stud's (The Italian Stallion)

Photo by Michael Putland/Getty Images

Sylvester Stallone filmed Party at Kitty and Stud’s in 1970, after being kicked out of his apartment and finding himself homeless for several days. He was paid $200 for basically walking around naked for two days, and occasionally slapping a woman with a belt. The movie is, well, exactly what you’d imagine a 1970s porn to look like, and clearly done before the porn industry realized that having dialogue in porn is like having a spoiler on your car — no matter how fancy it is, it’s not helping you get to your destination any faster. There is barely any semblance of a plot - in fact, the Internet porn you hastily skip through in the bathroom stall at work would make more sense. At one point, a giant mastiff appears, but quickly disappears, and no one will ever know what happened when a giant dog and naked Sly shared a stage together. In 1976, the film was re-released as The Italian Stallion in an attempt to bank off of Rocky’s immense popularity, but that’s not where the film company drew the line on milking Stallone’s fame for all it was worth  — they re-released a “hardcore” version, but the AVN deemed the scenes were deceitful inserts. In other words, someone stared at someone else’s penis long enough to realize it wasn’t Sylvester Stallone’s. It ain’t my bum, Mick. It ain’t my bum.

Simon Rex: Young, Hard And Solo II; Young, Hard and Solo III; Hot Sessions III; Hot Sessions XIII; and Hot Sessions XIIII

Photo by Barry King/Getty Images

Simon Rex is an entertainment Swiss army knife, a real jack-of-all-trades. He’s a comedian, television host, music producer, recording artist, and probably best known for being a VJ on MTV. Speaking of VJ, there is none to be found in any Simon Rex’s self-pleasure films. Rex might be the only person on this list who, despite graduating to real acting work, continued to exercise his talents in the adult film industry. We suppose when one finds oneself in that fleeting apex of Hollywood’s spotlight, it’s hard not to literally work hand over fist in order to really achieve that once in a lifetime moneyshot… er, shot at money.

Scott Schwartz: Scotty's X-Rated Adventure, The Devil in Miss Jones 6

Courtesy Everett Collection

If your innocence is a salad, prepare to have it tossed...Scotty Schwartz played Flick in A Christmas Story, the kid who burned himself into our young, supple brains when he got his tongue stuck to the flagpole. It turned out to be a fateful premonition, considering his future would be riddled with adult movies. Although he mainly stuck in the “background” and “production” side of things, he did star as himself in Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure. Playing a frumpy, gullible actor who’s tired of getting typecast, Scotty decides to employ the likes of Juli Ashton (a porn star, duh) to fix this problem. Because this takes place in the porn universe, she makes him come to an orgy before she lends him a hand, and things just sort of go form there. Anyway, this winter, when A Christmas Story is playing 24/7, feel free to inform your family that, that kid with his tongue stuck to a pole now does hardcore porn, and watch as their 7-year-old selves curl into a ball and attempt to suffocate themselves with tears and confusion.

Joanie Laurer: Backdoor To Chyna

Courtesy Everett Collection

Joanie Laurer is best known as Chyna, the former professional wrestler for the WWE and member of D-Generation X. Of course, upon watching her first professionally done porn video, Backdoor to Chyna, you’d learn all this. You’d learn all about her career as she stands on a balcony and waxes on about climbing the ranks in fitness pageants, meeting Triple H, and life after WWE. Of course, the story telling is interwoven with fadeouts to an unfortunate looking warehouse in which people of both sexes bang the bejesus out of Chyna. Does the film fulfill its namesake? Probably, but it’s 180 minutes long, and our delicate sensibilities – not to mention our stamina - can only take so much of the “Ninth Wonder of the World” getting pile-driven into next week.

Jaimee Foxworth: A Whole Heap Of Different Pornos

Photo by Warner Bros/Courtesy Everett Collection

Jaimee Foxworth is best known for playing Judy Winslow in Family Matters. However, that scene-stealing bastard Urkel became the more famous character in the series, and young Jaimee was written off the show by “going upstairs to get something,” then never coming back down again, ever. Foxworth followed a clichéd child actor’s path, turning to drugs and ultimately disappearing… only to reappear as “Crave” in an abundance of adult films spanning from 2000-2002. Though she has appeared on Oprah saying her stint in porn was the worst decision of her life, and has since straightened herself out, she appeared three years later in the 2009 porn parody of The Jeffersons. Though she didn’t technically have sex with anyone in The Jeffersons: A XXX Porn Parody, we’re anticipating dreading what might happen if she returns from upstairs in a potential Family Matters porn parody.

                        

Jackie Chan: All in the Family

Photo by Bertrand Rindoff Petroff/Getty Images