Pellau Magazine: Is your man a B***H?.......Or is the problem with you?

Yes, I admit it, I’ve spent a few nights crying into my pillow after some man wronged me. In those moments, when my heart was full of loneliness and longing, I cried out to Steve Harvey The Universe for a kind man, a sensitive man, a man who would watch The Notebook with me and like it. I wanted this man to be my best friend, laugh at all my jokes (even the mildly offensive ones), go shopping with me without complaining, and approve of my Channing Tatum obsession.

What I didn’t know at the time was that guy is kind of, well, a woman.

Now, before you get all worked up, I know gender roles are wack. Intellectually, I can spot those pesky gender boundaries as oppressive beasts that keep men and women from relating on a deeper level. That said there comes a point when I’m dating an awesomely sensitive guy where I start to question whether or not I’m in a heterosexual relationship anymore.

Here are a few clues I’ve picked up along the way:

1. He always wants to be “the little spoon.”

My arms are here to love him; my breasts are cushions for his head, but if I’m always the one holding him, who is holding me? I understand the comfort of a good cuddle, but I need strong arms to nuzzle up to, as well. We can switch positions sometimes, but, dammit sir, you are 200 pounds! Get off me!

2. He cries whenever we need to have a serious conversation.

Okay, I am a sucker for a man who is strong enough to cry, but if he cries every time I say “we need to talk,” I can’t deal. There is more than one way to express strong emotion. Go punch a wall or write a poem or something…

3. He’s ALWAYS talking about his feelings (and I’m just trying to watch The Game).

There was a time in my life when I would’ve LOVED to date a man who liked to talk about his feelings. Especially since I’ve dated far too many guys that couldn’t even admit they had feelings, but if he’s laying next to me on the couch (little-spooning) and asking me if I’d leave him for Derwin Davis, we’ve got a problem.

4. I have to convince him to have s*x with me (he just wants to cuddle).

This one is self-explanatory. I don’t envy men who constantly have to beg their significant other’s for some lovin’, and because I don’t envy those men, I have no intention of being one. This one is a deal breaker for me. Some gender roles are just meant to stay in play.

5. He can’t make a decision…about anything.

I respect a man who respects my opinion, but if he doesn’t have one of his own, we won’t work. Indecision and apathy force women to think for two, and thinking for myself is tiring enough…

Now, let me be clear: we all do things that fall outside of gender norms, and thank God we do! Life (and love) would be boring if we didn’t. I, myself, have been accused of emasculating men from time to time (as if this blog posting wasn’t your first clue), so when I pray for someone sensitive, what is it that I’m really asking for and how does that quality affirm who I believe I am?

It is my sincerest belief that everyone who steps onto my path is a spiritual teacher. So if I keep falling for the quasi-lesbian dude, there is clearly a lesson I need to learn. Maybe, just maybe, sensitivity and softness are attributes that I need to cultivate more within myself…

Ultimately, I think the magic word is balance, both for myself and my partners. As I imagine (and connect with) men of my dreams, I suspect the key is to be brave enough to ask for a sensitive man, AND to be open-minded enough to accept him as he is.

I’m ready with open arms…kind of.

Ladies, have you ever felt that you were in a same-sex relationship? Men, have you ever had the feeling you were in a “bromance” with your girl? Most importantly, what did you do? Did you overlook the situation or did you break up?