Pellau Magazine: How to Deal With Baby Mama Drama...As a "Step-mom"

I started searching on-line for something that would help a friend of mine deal with his "baby mama drama" and I stumbled upon this article posted on WikiHow. It seems more for the "step-mom" in the relationship but I think all parties can benefit from this advice.- Mahalia Hector.

Don't let drama ruin YOUR life!

In our parents' day (assuming you're over the age of 25) couples seemed to have the same game plan meet someone, date, fall in love, get married, have kids, become retirees and move to Boca Raton. In this day and age, it's not so cut and dried. With split-parent households becoming the norm, the modern gal has new scenarios to deal with: namely how to step into a split parent situation that existed before your new relationship with the father did.

In many situations seemingly, the mother isn't going to be overly receptive. Nothing you do seems to be good enough, everything that comes out of their mouth seems to be venom that puts such a strain on you and your relationship. Don't let it bring you down!

Steps

1
Remember, the mother is a woman, a person, with emotions just like you. This one is hard to accept, but keep in mind that in some situations the mother actually loved/"loved" the father. Many people think that they're going to marry their baby's daddy, but end up single parents. Maybe this brings about the bitter venom baby mama's tend to spew. Ask your man about the relationship, how he felt about the news of his child's conception and the end of the relationship. That might help you understand the baby mama more and your man more.
- There is the other situation of mothers getting pregnant to keep someone and there is NO understanding that. So stop trying.
2
Realize, the mother (probably) is NOT going anywhere. It's pretty silly to sit there and imagine "If she wasn't here, all of this would be easier! If she would just sign over custody and be gone..." Yes, it would be easier as far as drama goes - but wake up, she's not going anywhere, so stop beating yourself up over it.
3
If at all possible, try and talk to the baby mama. Put it out there that you aren't trying to replace her, you acknowledge that there is a bond you cannot break between herself, the child, and your man. This might help clear the air a little bit between you and her. Most mothers see another "motherly figure" as a impostor to the throne in a way, make sure she's aware you're going to rule your household accordingly, but the child will still know who their mother is.
4
When everything else fails - let your man BE a man. If the mother does something that upsets you, don't be the aggressor and call her out on it. It's going to be met with sassy conversation followed by a swift "you are not their mother! You have NO SAY in what happens in their life" and a prompt dial tone in the ear which can be a severe blow to your stepmom ego to be reminded that in the end, the children are not yours. When things like this happen, default to your man to handle it. Make him aware of how you feel and let him handle it how he sees fit. If you verbally fight with the mother, she'll verbally fight with your man, you'll vent to your man, he'll snap from all the griping - relationship over. Communication is key.
5
Assert how you feel. Your feelings are just as important and valid as his. Just because you are not the one with the child doesn't mean you don't have some say in how the situation with that child is handled. If he is truly wanting the relationship to last these are changes he will be willing to make. After all, a relationship implies that both parties will have a buy-in.

Tips

Try to empathize with the mother. Try to understand where she is coming from and why she could be acting the way she is.
Deal with the now, "what ifs" will get you nowhere.
Communication is key, both with your man and the mama. Let them know how you feel, assert your role and acknowledge theirs.
Your job is to be there for yourself, your man and his child/children. It is not your job to get caught up in the drama. It will only bring you down and if you can't be there for yourself, how can you be there for anyone else?
If you think your man is making a bad decision regarding the child/children, assert your feelings with him and let him realize that his life affects yours.

Warnings

Do not get involved in a shouting match with the mother. It will resemble an episode of the Maury show and will cause a rift between all parties.
Do not try and be the child's/children's' mother. If the mother is still in the picture, respect her role and be proud of yours.
Do not fight your man's battles for him. When something happens, don't run to call the mother - state how you feel about the situation to him and let him handle it as need be.
Be careful with assertion. Watch for hurtful words, tone, and context. You want to assert your feelings without wagging a finger in his face.

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