Pellau Magazine

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The courtship process used to be a lot simpler. You used to cruise around in a Firebird and girls would be there, and then there'd be something called heavy petting, and then you were married. The whole process took about three weeks, and could be sped up if the Firebird had been recently washed. The only potentially tricky part was if you had to negotiate a dowry, and that usually wasn't required unless your bride was Indian or incredibly ugly. Since then, things have gotten far more involved. With our cell phones and our STDs and our Craig's lists, the courtship process has become incredibly complicated and dangerous, more filled with dangerous loners and viruses and spyware than ever before.

Which brings us to the topic of sexting: the act of sending racy electronic messages back and forth with a partner. Sexting has become a common stepping stone in the progression of many relationships, and due to the challenges of sexting safely and accurately, it's become a killing field for many promising unions. But fortunately for you, Cracked has an obligation to help its readers navigate this sexy new minefield, due to our long standing reputation as the most erotic of children's periodicals.

Below I present seven tips I've compiled following lengthy, digitally exhausting research. Helping me with my research was Karen, a 28 year old woman whose sexual adventurousness were highly rated by the restroom wall on which I found her phone number.

Unsolicited and/or unwelcome sexual messages can and will be considered sexual harassment, so make sure the other party is a willing participant before progressing too far. A signed waiver is the safest approach...

...but that might dampen the mood you were hoping to establish. There are more reasonable ways to test the waters, as described below:

An Example

Bucholz: Hey sexy. I think you're sexy.

Karen: LOL. I think you have the wrong number.

Bucholz: I think you've got the RIGHT number, if you want to know about dudes not wearing a shirt right now.

Karen: Please stop texting me.

Bucholz: Oh right. I should probably explain before we get much further. My name's Anderson Cooper, and I'm doing some research on the topic of sexting for my show, Anderson Cooper 360. Your number was selected at random by a computer, and I was hoping you'd be willing to help me with my research.

Karen: How do I know you're Anderson Cooper?

Bucholz: I'll prove it to you. Here's a picture of me I just snapped right now with my camera phone. FILE ATTACHED-selfportraitpic.jpg

Karen: That looks an awful lot like a file photo.

Bucholz: Thank you for implying that I'm always camera ready Karen. But I shall prove it to you harder. Pick a number between one and four, then tell it to me.

Karen: Ok. Three.

Bucholz: Here's a pic of me holding up exactly that many fingers. FILE ATTACHED-selfportraitpicv2.jpg

Karen: Wow!

Bucholz: So we're good? Sext ahoy!

Related to the previous bit of advice, but important enough to deserves its own entry. Especially if you've never physically met the person you're sexting, like in some kind of chat room situation, you're really putting yourself at risk of having every misspelled euphemism for your penis read out slowly in front of an elderly judge.

Bucholz: Before we get too much further, I should check, are you over 18?

Karen: Yeah, I'm 28.

Bucholz: Hmm. Do you remember the Macarena?

Karen: Yes.

Bucholz: Ok, your story checks out.

With your legal bases covered you can get down to business, and to do that, you've got to get comfortable. Loosen the belt on your robe and pour yourself a nice tall glass of vermouth. Relax; the advantage of sexting is that you don't have to worry about blushing or appearing unconfident. For the shy among us, the technological divide separating us from our partner can make it easier for us to loosen up. And for the uglier among us, it may help our partner loosen up.

An Example

Bucholz: Oooh this robe is hot.

Karen: You're wearing a robe?

Bucholz: The robe's all past tense now baby. You should take off your robe too.

Karen: I'm not wearing a robe. Who's got robes?

Bucholz: Scholars.

Karen: This isn't very sexy yet.

Bucholz: You gotta relax more. Here's some ocean sounds. Pwwwwwoosssh. Phhhhhs. Phhhwwwwwwwooooooooosh. Pwooooosooshshhhsh. Phwhhhshshhs.

Karen: Now I have to go to the bathroom.

Bucholz: That's hot, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

There are guides floating around the net about common sexting acronyms in use, and you can use them if you wish. But I'd suggest you use acronyms lightly, if at all. Acronyms are only useful if both parties know what they mean; otherwise they lead to confusion, not sexiness. (Confusion is rarely sexy, unless you're roleplaying some kind of raunchy-Alzheimer's thing, which is a bit advanced for this guide.)

In particular, steer clear of complicated acronyms. You might know that IAGTBOIAD4U means "I am going to beat off inside a diaper for you," but if it takes three supplementary texts to explain what it means and why that's a good thing, you may lose a bit of momentum. So I'd suggest you only use the basic acronyms, like the ones listed below.

ASL: Age/Sex/Location (useful in chatrooms when sexting with strangers)

WAYW: What are you wearing?

UNF: Universal Noise for Fucking

INC: I'm not crying

DLAM: Don't Look At Me

FAP: Fap

An Example

Bucholz: Hey, so uh WAYW?

Karen: What?

Bucholz: What are you wearing?

Karen: I don't know about this Anderson.

Bucholz: It's important Karen. America needs this right now. Is it like just a basic top and some pants?

Karen: Yes.

Bucholz: Cool. TMMPFS

Bucholz: That Makes My Pants Feels Smaller in case you were wondering.

Karen: I thought you were wearing a robe? You had pants on under your robe?

Bucholz: I feel really good about myself in these pants.

Karen: FML

Sexting follows a lot of the same rules as dirty talk, in that although it's a fun way to raise the sexual tension, it is very easy to go over the line and say, weird, uncomfortable, impossibly awkward things which kill the mood and/or dramatically lengthen prison sentences.

An Example

Bucholz: Ok. Wow. This next one is going to be intense. I hope you're ready.

Karen: Oooh! This sounds exciting.

Bucholz: Oh wow. Man. Ok. Here we go.

Bucholz: So, um. I'm so wet for you.

Karen: WHAT?! ! ! ?

Karen: ??????

Bucholz: I'm so sorry.

Bucholz: It's just research. Just trying to probe out the threshold for what's too far too fast.

Karen: The problem was not that you went too far. The problem was that you went in the exact wrong direction.

Bucholz: I went there pretty quickly though, hey?

Once they're transmitted into the aether, don't expect naked photographs of you straddling a coffee table while wearing nothing but a monocle to disappear. Current lovers may one day become ex-lovers, and considering the flexible morality possessed by anyone involving themselves with you sexually, don't be surprised if you one day awake to find that you're the latest goatse.
An Example

Bucholz: FILE ATTACHED-cravatfuntimepic.jpg

Karen: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAAAHAHA.

Bucholz: Was that "hahaha" as in "Ooh, I want to get hot all over you" or "hahaha" as in "hahaha?"

Karen: LOL. The second one.

Bucholz: Would it help if I did another one with a smaller cravat?

Karen: It might

Bucholz: FILE ATTACHED-cravatfuntimepic2.jpg

Karen: Didn't work. And it looks like even you're enjoying it less

Bucholz: It's cold here ok.

Karen: You're not actually Anderson Cooper are you?

Bucholz: The truth is there are a lot of Anderson Coopers. We help him out while he's busy making toys in the north pole.

As many outside observers might not approve of the sentiments and kinky threats issued during the course of standard-issue sexting, you should probably delete all the evidence of your activities once you're done. Also make sure you never use your work phone for sexting, unless you're interested in having the worst conversation the world has ever witnessed with your boss.

Bucholz: Hey could you do me a solid favor, and delete everything I just sent you and also not give copies to the authorities?

Karen: No.

Bucholz: I'll send you more cravat pictures if you don't. I've got a really good one where I'm looking over my shoulder coyly. It will ruin you for other men.

Karen: NO! I'll delete it all! I'll send you money! Just please don't send me any more cravat pictures.

Bucholz: You've got a deal Karen. Now to conclude this, one last question: On a scale from 1 to Ted Danson, how thoroughly would you say that your fancy has been tickled?

Karen: I'll probably give you a one.

Bucholz: One's the lowest score actually. I should have been cleare... ahh nevermind. That's still pretty good for me.